Pet Velociraptor Care With Valuable FAQs

Well then i'm sure you've heard how awesome they can be. We're here to say that they have shortcomings, and aren't the best pet for everyone to whom they appeal. Velociraptors are a pack animal and therefore need company at all times; people or other raptors. If you can only have one raptor or you work all day . . .don't buya Velociraptor.

Velociraptors are capable of deep affection for their family, but they are not very friendly with strangers. So, if you want to have friends or entertain . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

The Velociraptor is not a watch dog or security alarm although people not acquainted with his true nature may be frightened by his Tyrannosaurus Rex like appearance. If you want a raptor that has instincts of a guard-dog . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

A few times a year Velociraptors will shed their skins. If you are content with foot square pieces of flaky leather all over the house and scales in the air you breathe, then fine. However, if you always value neatness .. . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

Velociraptors love ripping up shrubs in the yard and stripping trees of leaves . If your landscaping efforts bring you great pride . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

Of all the Velociraptor's shortcomings, one of most concern to the pet owner is their obsession with jumping and running. That first leap the Velociraptor makes into low hanging power wires could be the last leap he makes, anywhere. For his own special protection a Velociraptor should at all times be kept under control, in a confined area or on a leash. If you are someone who says it is cruel to lock up a Velociraptor, or confine him in his own backyard . . . don't buy a Velociraptor.

We believe that a Velociraptor will have a better life in a maximum security cell than galabanting about the countryside. Agreed a confined Velociraptor could be missing a whole lot in life: the chance to run over or leap onto a car; the thrill of getting bloody, covered with bodyparts, and infested with parasites from wild animals it preys upon; the chance of other Velociraptors attacking him; the joy of illnesses caused by the bacteria contaminated garbage it eats; the pleasure of nasty kids' tormenting him (ummmm. on second thought - scratch that one); the thrill of becoming game for a redneck neighbor carrying his guns in a rack on his truck; and after all that the comfort of never knowing where he belongs or how to behave. We don't want any Velociraptor to become a TRAMP.

After reading this far, if you honestly believe you understand everything you've read, and you still want to become a Velociraptor owner, then we take real pleasure in welcoming you to the fold, knowing that we own the most intimidating, the smartest, the most nearly perfectly ideal DINOSAUR in the world . . . the Velociraptor!

1) Why would my Velociraptor disembowel and eat my other pets?

Since a Velociraptor is not accustomed to harmonious environments, anything inside your abode,inanimate and animate, can be threatening or appetizing to your pet raptor. Always remember Raptors will be Raptors. I don't mean to say you should turn away a wincing eye when he is eviscerating your pet dog, but you should realize that a reprimand against Rover smoothies are reprimandsagainst Velociraptor nature.

You must instill disciplinein your Velociraptor, so distract him until you do. it's good to have a lot of treats ready. To wean your Velociraptor off of other loved ones in your home strays are ideal.

2) My Raptor hunts ... me?

A Raptor’s is the epitome of stealth. You can find him hiding behind a plant, working the bathroom doorknobwhen you are in the shower, or tripping you down the staircase don't be alarmed. Your Velociraptor is merely exploring his new environment. His new world now includes you and your family , so he may be uncertain whether you are hors d’oeuvres or just friends. Needless to say it is very important you convince him of the former, so you must make his nature work for you and surely not against you.

An excellent bonding opportunity arises when you are being hunted. Play along to get along: Letting him chase you through the house while you place obstacles in his path will help to make his hunting become more leisurely and less primal. However you must not forget to run, always. No matter the obstructions, diversions, or the route, your Velociraptor will catch you.

The Velociraptor instinctively knows when its prey will be most vulnerable. As with most owners, it’s while you are asleep. At first, 'til your pet gets to know you, he will most likely break skin and/or break a few of your ribs. Realize that once your Raptor has you in its razor-sharp claws (see Filing Claws pg 101) its only intent would be to kill you with his laterally compressed very sharp serrated teeth.

Therefore it is of utmost importance that you fight back. Don’t be afraid to throw him through the window or stab him with the bowie knife you keep by your bed, anything you can do to stun him. The Raptor’s language is VIOLENCE. You must stun your pet. Bleeding, dazed and staggering from a possible concussion, your pet will feel vulnerable. Eventually it will skulk away.

Don’t. The Velociraptor will not want nor need to be part of a family. YOU will have to become one of hispack. Frankly, you need to bond your pet to understand your Velociraptor. One great bonding exercise is while standing in front of your pet, mimic his stance, pull in your elbows, and bend your haunches while blurting out a shrill then follow it with clicks. For commands and Velociraptor vocabulary, see Appendix C.

If you perform this exercise for several hours everyday. within six weeks, you'll find the hunting will become more playful and not as lethal. Don't be surprised when he starts bringing you food, but pretend to eat any offering, no matter how putrid and rotten the puppy corpse may be. If you refuse these rank offerings you will destroy the illusion that you worthy of his pack.

Once you have gained and can successfully maintain his respect, you can begin the dominance training. (below).

You can only attempt dominance training when your Raptor respects you. All Raptors fear only what can kill them, and so far as he knows that has only been the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Since engineers have not constructed an affordable pet T. Rex yet, you have to simulate a T. Rex. lurking nearby (picture to right). Stomp as hard as you can through the house breaking some glasses. Eventually, these antics will be minimized as a curious Raptor will eventually sleuth them out.

Then you will need an remote source of havoc, noise and vibration. Nothing can compare with this like a 1987 Crown Vic, sonic sub-woofers with a sans muffler, idling in your garage. When your Velociraptor acts poorly, or you are suspicious that he is up to something, start up the Crown Vic and put on a Bakker Tech Roaring Rex™ recording (you can get one from Pet Smart) or just blast West coast rap music.

Besides imitating a T. Rex, playing rap music in your house is a great way to discipline your pet. Time it right and he will begin to associate certain areas of your house with T. Rex territory and should avoid those areas completely. These areas will be places you don’t want him to go: like where babies and the children play, backyards, kitchens, and bedrooms.

6) A child is missing from the neighborhood. Was it my pet Velociraptor?

Owners always have to be especially aware of where their Velociraptors are wandering. It is absolutely inadvisable to give them free reign in public and the backyard can be a false security. Raptors will leap over any fence, especially incentivised by little snacks jumping on the trampoline or barking in the neighbor's yard.

Do not forget: Raptors are furtive animals. You should be concerned if your Raptor has escaped the house or yard even for 4.5 seconds. When a neighborhood pet or a child is missing, remain silent but begin checking your Velociraptor's feces.

7) Can I take my pet raptor to work with me?

Nevertake your Velociraptor to the work place. Irresponsible owners have in the past done this so often that employers have become stigmatized by the results which has lead to them taking measures like this one to the right:

8) OMG, I found a human remain in my Raptor’s feces!

This is a Velociraptor owner’s biggest nightmare. When, I mean if, you discover human bones in your Raptor’s feces, obviously you have ignored Chapter One, Raptor Owning, and all the rules in it: So, you are a bad Velociraptor owner and now the prime murder suspect. Even though YOU didn't eat poor little Bobby, the law prosecutes all Velociraptor crimes by incarcerating the owner and then pet euthanization.

Attempting to hide your Raptor is futile. Living in a suburb, neighbors have probably heard his tri-chordal shrill calls by now, and all children everywhere are always on the lookout for dinosaurs. Besides, a Velociraptor will eventually find a way out and then blow both yours and its cover.

Carrying the bones around to your neighbors’ homes and asking "could these belong to” them will only make things worse.

You could go to the police or like one bad owner put yourself and your Velociraptor down, but this scenario has no easy or quick solution for you. The Humane Society of Zambia suggests you finally let your Raptor eat you.

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News

July is National Velociraptor Awareness Month! The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, the North American Velociraptor Defense Association and the United Velociraptor Widows Fund, are providing free pet velociraptor safety seminars located in local Red Cross centers all over the nation. Contact them for more information. Don't let the Raptors get the best of you.

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